“But those are boys’ shoes”, said the helpful store clerk to me last evening and I wanted to punch him. Thankfully, I had my mask on, so I gritted my teeth, smiled and asked, “Does it matter? Please get these in her size” We didn’t get those shoes ultimately and yesterday was a Gender Neutral Parenting Failure. Why am I talking about it on the web then? Because it needs to be talked about. We might have made progress, but there is still a long way to go. Let me backtrack a bit and start at the beginning.
Yesterday, we were out to buy school uniforms for my daughters. Aryahi is 11, and in secondary school. Her school offers a choice – they can wear a skirt or trousers. I wanted Aryahi to wear trousers, for comfort and ease. After trying both, she chose skirts. She had it in her head that the skirt is more girly. Not better looking, not more comfortable – more girly! Even as I fought this with logic, I was thwarted completely at the shoe shop. I’ve worn Mary Janes all thru school. That is what girls wore in my school. They were uncomfortable. Yes, they look nice and lady like, but are awful to run or walk fast in. They made my feet hurt at th end of the day, due to the pointed toe section. Aryahi was in agreement. She was happy to look at more comfortable shoes. We were looking thru the section when the clerk comes in and says, “But, those are boys’ shoes”.
I am sure he was being helpful. But, consider this. We were in a department store. It had an open plan display of all sorts of shoes. Could we not see the Mary Janes and Ballerinas hanging two feet away? We could. We were trying out the “so called Boys’ Shoes” for a reason. Comfort. Could he have not just shut up and gotten them in her size? You know why I am frustrated?
The impact of that one comment by a perfect stranger undid years of gender neutral parenting efforts. It can be argued that I did not do a good enough job. Maybe I need to do a better job as a mother. But she at 11, is at an age where the outsider’s view matters a lot. How others see her is important to her, and appearance is a big part of it. Her face fell with that one comment, and we moved over to the other side. We got her ballerinas, (not pointed tips) and she promised that if these got uncomfortable, we’ll come back and get the “boys’ shoes”
Well, today as I write this, it is not just about what school shoes to wear. I think it is great progress that her school allows choice of skirt and trousers, freedom about the type of shoe to wear. That is progress for sure. As a society though, we still expect gender conformity. Only when we truly accept people’s choices, will gender neutrality really come into play. Our biases are deep rooted. They need to be broken.
My bigger worry? Today it is about what clothes and what shoes. Tomorrow, she will be influenced about what job and what career. She will start conforming to what chores she should do as a woman and pass it all off to her children as well. I am trying to break the cycle here, at least to a certain degree.
Yesterday was a setback, but it told me I need to try harder. We’ll get there.
Wow! This post takes me back tot he days when I used to blog for fun, writing about everything under the sun! It’s great to see you continue, Ankita.
Something like this happens when I am out to buy toys for kids. I tell the age and pat comes the question – boy or girl? And I am like the kid is 8 months old – how does age matter??